LOL Space
by Inuyashe
Summary: A series of short humorous fics about our beloved game. The scariest fiction... NO MORE! "Da gamin' club" is now a separate story. Sorry for the confusion.
1. Dead Pause

The first fic of LOL Space

* * *

**Dead Pause**

He walked through a bloody corridor on the damned ship, _the USG Ishimura. _If he gets out of here alive, he will never forget this ship. Especially after all those horrors he had seen.

Suddenly, from a vent on his right, a slasher appeared. He was immediately in the mutant's grasp. The thing barred its teeth, ready to bite.

And it suddenly stopped. Along with everything around them. The hall-light no longer flashed on and off. Everything was frozen.

The slasher looked surprised. Isaac's expression was hidden behind his helmet.

They both just stood there, the slasher still looked eager to bite. Suddenly:

"_I have no idea about what jussst happened."_

"Me neith... HOLY SH-!!! YOU CAN TALK?!

"_Of coursssse. You didn't think we were just mindlessss beasssts, did you?"_

"Umm, yes?"

"_Racissst. But seriousssly, what jussst happened?"_

"Don't have the foggiest idea. But I think it is safe to assume the player isn't around."

"_Indeed."_

"Let me check some programs....... OH! He paused the game!"

"_What?! Why now?"_

"Wait... His computer picked up a terrible scream and rapid footsteps leading away from it."

"_I scared the ssshit out of him?"_

"Looks like it."

"_What a wusss."_

"Yes, considering this is just chapter one."

"_And I was going to use my special kill-move..."_

"You have a special kill-move? What kind?"

"_Didn't die yet, eh?"_

"Nope, he's playing it on EASY."

"_Well, the move involvessss me literally biting through your neck until your head falls of."_

"You're kidding..."

"_Nope. And that'sss one of your better deaths."_

"Seriously? What other things happen to me?"

"_Didn't you read the game-reportsss?"_

"Yeah, but I only got to the part about me dying a lot. I didn't think it would involve deaths like THAT."

"_Poor thing. If I'd say you're gonna get mutilated, it would be an underssstatement. You're gonna get torn to bitsss, eaten alive, burned alive, electrocuted. Heck, one of your deaths involvesss your head getting cut off and another head with tentacles taking itsss place."_

"No... freakin'... way..."

"_I'm afraid it isss true."_

"What are the game producers?! Sadistic torturers?!"

"_Perhapsss."_

"This sucks."

"_It doesss, doesssn't it? I actually feel sssorry for you."_

"Really?"

"_Yesss. Trapped on a ship with hundreds, if not thousands of us, all wanting to tear you to tiny bits. NOT cool."_

"Well, thanks. I guess this will be a LONG night. The player's coming back."

"_Oh?!"_

The slasher immediately assumed the biting position. The game was unpaused and poor Isaac lost his neck.


	2. Hax Power

Second part of 'LOL Space.'

* * *

**The power of hax**

Two Slashers wandered the Ishimura's halls. Suddenly, footsteps were heard.

"The human!" they think.

They start running. They round a corner... and are torn to tiny bits by plasma. Isaac Clarke then walks further, whistling.

He enters a hall and five more Slashers show up. He aims with his plasma cutter and shoots. At a rate of 200 rounds a second, tearing them to shreds. More Slashers see it as they enter the room and immediately flee in terror.

After a while, Isaac enters a large hall with uncountable Necromorphs in it. He starts killing them by the hundreds.

Two Slashers, hidden behind a pillar, hear the screams of agony that their brethren emit.

"What... the... fuck?!"

"My wordsss, brother."

"I thought thisss was a survival-horror game. That guy, however, is ssstronger than the Uberssssoldier."

"I know, man. Let me check the coding... you have GOT to be kidding me!"

"Wut?"

"He's usssing a trainer! Unlimited ammo, god mode, rapid fire, no reload. He even hasss a moonjump option ready."

"But... Isssaac can't jump..."

"He can now."

"Ssshit! What are we sssupposed to do?"

"Our AI dictatesss that we ssshould charge at him."

"Fat chance. What isss he doing?"

The Slasher looked. Isaac was using the flamethrower and line gun simultaneously and annihilating anything that tried to evade his wrath. And laughing maniacally.

"You don't want to know. Trussst me."

He looked again. Isaac was now sadistically killing the Hunter over and over, using its own strength against it. And still laughing maniacally.

"You REALLY don't want to know."

"I'll look this time."

Isaac was now tearing a Brute apart with his bare hands and then killing other 'morphs with a torn-off Brute arm. He then ripped off a piece of a wall and threw it at the poor Hunter. He was, of course, laughing maniacally.

"You were right. Now, I want to forget."

"SHOOP DA' WHOOP!!!"

Half of the hall was annihilated by a massive beam of energy. The two Slashers were now staring straight at the messenger of doom.

"I hate hacksss."

"Same here."

They were then beaten into tiny pulps by the pillar they were hiding behind. Isaac then continued with his quest. Laughing maniacally.

The game then changed. 'Morphs were the hunted, Isaac was killing the Hunter.

* * *

More will come soon! If you have an idea, tell me. I will consider it. See you next time!


	3. SEQUEL NOT!

**The future**

_Top secret Electronic Arts space station 'All your base are belong to us' orbiting Earth._

_Hall number 3, room 1337._

The creators of Dead Space sat there. It was an important meeting.

"The game has sold millions of copies. We can therefore say it was highly successful."

There was a small cheer among them.

"This also means we should make a sequel."

Nods.

"So, let's just write down some basic facts before we start production."

Nods again.

"Hero. Isaac Clarke, without a doubt."

"OBJECTION!"

The men watch with confusion as two figures, Isaac Clarke and Phoenix Wright, appear in the room.

"What the-...?"

"My client will sue you if you do that."

"Sue us? Why?"

"I will answer that personally. I've had enough of getting mutilated! I quit!"

All developers were frightened. Having no hero meant having to find a new one. A stressful job.

"But..!"

"No buts! We're leaving!"

And the two disappeared as swiftly as they came.

"This is bad."

"Yes, considering we already tried half the hero market last time."

"Yes, we even tried Rambo and that weird hedgehog Darken out of necessity."

"We will find a new one. For now, let's continue. Villains, the Necromorphs."

"I do not think so."

A holo-image in the middle of the room lit up. It showed a humanoid Necromorph in dark-blue armour and a woman in a white space-suit.

"What?! Who are you?!"

"I am Kalish and this is Kathryn. We are the leaders of the Necromorphs. And we will not tolerate the misuse of our people for simple human amusement. Failure to comply will result in a planet-cracker beam being aimed at you. Have a nice day, goodbye."

The image disappeared.

One of the developers raised a small notebook with 'ZOMG' written on it.

"I know, I know. We have to make a TOTALLY new enemy. But we can pull through! Now... setting. A ship? A planet? Two planets? A star system?"

"Let's go with a planet."

"Okay. New weapons?"

"How about a rocket launcher?"

"This is SURVIVAL-HORROR. Not Ubersoldier."

"A portable nuke?"

"Were you listening to me?"

"An overpowered ion-ray?"

"Nope."

"Okay, how about... a chicken launcher?"

"Are you serious?"

"Of course."

The head-director slammed his head onto the table. And again. And again. With a loud 'Thud' every time.

Another notebook with 'LOLOLOLOLOL' appeared.

"A crossbow?"

'Thud'

"Plasma scythe?"

'Thud'

"A laser gun that would do that whoopin' sound?"

"FORGET IT!!! No new weapons in the sequel, just upgrades to the previous ones."

A notebook with 'That sucks'.

"Last thing. Story."

Complete and utter silence. Some didn't even breathe.

"Okay. We'll go with a NEW infestation somewhere else. Dismissed."

All the developers left the room, except the head.

A Slasher suddenly appears from the shadows.

"Hey, man."

"Hey."

"Bad day, eh?"

"Yup."

"Sorry, but I'm gonna' make it worssse."

"How can it be worse?"

"Lord Kalisssh accidentally pressed the big red shiny button that initiates planet-crack."

"Oh... shit."

The station was then obliterated, along with part of the Earth below.

* * *

On the Ishimura, Kalish watched. Kathryn gave him _that _stare.

"What?! Everyone screws up from time to time!"

* * *

**OMGWTFBBQ!!! ZOMG!!! THERE WILL BE NO SEQUELZ!!!!**

**OH WELL...**

**LONG LIVE MUDKIPZ!!!!**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**NECROMORPHZED MUDKIPZ!!!**


	4. LOL, Floating

**Floating sucks**

Isaac was in a no-gravity zone. Thankfully, oxygen was still present. He walked on a wall. Suddenly, a Leaper leaped from the other side of the room, heading towards him. Isaac quickly grabbed a piece of debris with kynesis and threw it at the Leaper, who then floated in mid-air.

Satisfied with the results, Isaac continued on his journey. Little did he know that the Leaper was still alive. Floating in the middle of the room, without its arms.

"Just great." it thought.

"Coullldn't he have made sure I was dead? What a douche."

It just floated there, rotating randomly. Another Leaper came into view.

"Wellll, wellll, wellll. If it isn't Frank."

"Not now, Jenkins! Just get me down from here! Or something..."

"You know what? I think I'llll just llleave. After allll, this plan of yours was supposed to be foolll-proof."

"Knock it off! I just didn't expect him to throw debris at me, is allll."

"Right. So the rest of your 'I'llll just jump from the other side of the room, revealing myselllf at the same time and not expecting him to fight back' plan was 100 percent okay?"

"You know what? Screw you, Jenkins."

"Fine, I'llll just llleave."

And he did.

"I hate that guy."

_An hour later:_

"Jenkins? It's not funny any more..."

_Another hour later:_

"Plllease! Come back! Come baaack!!

_Yet another hour:_

"I want my mommy... whatever 'morph she is now..."

_Again, an hour later:_

"I'm a lllittle teapot short and stout, this is my elllbow, this is my..."

_Hour later:_

"No, I'm not crazy! Stop talllking in my head! Hey, lllook! An asteroid! ROFLLLMAO!!"

The large rock was heading straight for Aegis 7.

"LOL! The Hive Mind's gonna get pwned! Serves the n00b right! I think I'll sing something else now... Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are..."

_After ten days:_

"Who'sss that?"

"Oh, that? That's Frank. He tried to llleap on Isaac. It didn't work. He doesn't have it altogether these days."

"PICKLLLE SURPRISE!!!"

"I sssee..."

"So, uh, wanna get a burger?"

"Yeah! To Morphdonaldsss we go!"

And so, Jenkins the Leaper and Jake the Slasher had dinner at Morphdonalds. Frank, meanwhile, kept shouting random vegetable and fruit names.


	5. JUST A REMINDERANNOUNCEMENT

*Just your frindly neighbourhood announcement.*

Sorry for fooling you, if I did.

Anyway, I just wanted to **_EMPHASISE_**, that "LOL Space" and "Da gamin' club" have split into two separate stories.

The second story is right here, of course.

That is all, you may leave.


	6. Designing, You thought this was dead,eh?

In the middle of an endless grey plain stood two figures. I start my writings like that quite often, no? One of them was an engineer in an uber-cool mining suit, the other was a humanoid Necromorph in black military armour, with shining red eyes and short green hair.

"Kalish... may I ask a question?"

"Shoot."

"Why the HELL are we here?!"

"Well, Isaac, we are in Dead Space's model-editing thingamajig."

"WHY?!"

"Well, we are going to make some animations!"

"Huh? Doesn't the animator do that?"

"Yes, but he was a lazy son of a gun, so we're gonna have to do it for him, if this game has any chance of getting even remotely completed."

"Okay... I suppose that makes sense... where do we start?"

A notepad appeared in Kalish's hands.

"Hmmm... according to this... the death animations!"

"I suppose that doesn't refer to Necromorph deaths..."

"Nope."

"And we have to do ALL of them?!"

"Frikin' DUH!"

"Haaaah... fine. When do we start?"

"Right about..." a huge tentacle came outta' nowhere dragging Isaac to his first doom, "now. Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this!"

Initiate description of random death scenes, as they REALLY happened:

Isaac laid on the ground, a massive Brute stood above him, menacing. It caught him and lifted him off the ground.

"LET GO OF ME, YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!!!!"

He was then torn in half.

"FUCKING OUCH! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!"

"Check!" Came Kalish's voice from the background.

-

He got too close to a Guardian and the wall-attached mutant launched its 'stomach spear' at him. His head landed neatly next to his body and screamed:

"FUCK! Good thing I'm pretty much invincible, since I'm just a fictional character!"

"I'm not sure if that's a good thing in this case, but check!"

-

He shot a Pregnant in the stomach and the small spider-faggots came out crawling all over his body.

"Get those fuckers off! Get them OOOOOOOOOOFF!!!!"

He then fell to the gorund, sending an immense amount of curse words into the area.

"Not likely! Check!"

-

The tentacle dragged him to its 'hole in the wall, which probably lead to its lair or somesuch, I don't give a damn'.

"LET GO OF ME, YOU FUCKING TENTACLY PIECE OF FUCK!!!"

He was dragged in and torn to bits.

"OH, FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!"

Kalish then took a fishing rod and started pulling out his body parts one by one.

"Check."

-

One of the Divider parts, the tentacled head, cut off Isaac's head and took its place, in a show of ultimate fatality.

"I hate motherfucking parasites! BITCHEEEES!!"

Kalish picked up his head and looked at it.

"To be, or not to be. That is the question."

"FUCK YOU!!"

"You're no fun... check."

-

The Hunter tore Isaac's body to tiny little bits with its insta-kill attack. Words like 'FUCK!', 'SHIIIIIIIIT!', 'DIIIIIIIIICK!' and many others filled the area.

Kalish turned to the Slasher which had been holding the camera.

"Vort, remind me to edit these videos. We need to replace the cursing with generic screams."

"Got it, bossss."

"Good. Now, come here, Hunter!" the regenerating Necromorph came closer. Kalish took out a bone from his armour, "you were a good boy! Catch!"

The bone flew into the distance, the Hunter after it.

Isaac's body came back together. He said, exhaustion evident in his voice:

"Are we done yet?"

Kalish looked at his notepad.

"Yes."

"WOOOHOOOO!!!"

"With the death animations, at least."

"Huh?! What else is there to film?"

"The game's scripted cinematics, of course!"

******

Kalish sat on his chair, which was located on the surface of Aegis 7's colony. A cap was on his head, a loud speaker in his hand and a sign saying 'Director is God' was hung above him.

Several different kinds of 'morphs were floating on strange platforms with cameras. Kendra stood near the shuttle and Isaac was ready to enter.

"Okay people! This is the hour of truth! Hive Mind entrance sequence, BEGIN!"

Isaac entered Kendra screamed, just like the script said. And then... the Hive Mind's tentacle went for Kendra... but it instead hit the shuttle behind her and the craft was sent into the enormous crater below. There was silence.

"CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!! The fuck was that, YOU FAT SLUG?! Get me a new shuttle and we'll try again."

After fifty more tries, they got the whole scene right. The bloopers included the Hive Mind grabbing Isaac instead of Kendra the first time, Kendra dodged the tentacle once and many other such silly stuff, which was always accompanied by Kalish's screams.

"Okay people! That's a wrap!"

The Hive Mind came back up, since it had fallen into the crater below after its defeat. It spoke telepathically:

"Yeah, it was cool. And thanks for implementing the killing of those yellow parasites into the gameplay. I swear, those things were making me look like a stick!"

"Uhhhh... no problem. Now, let's make the final scene before the credits! Nicole! We need to put lotsa' makeup on ya!"

******

"Roll 'em!"

Isaac sat in the shuttle pilot's chair, his helmet off.

Nicole then silently came and pounced at him.

"CUT! That was perfect!" he then noticed... that Isaac wasn't moving, "Isaac?"

"I... just had a heart attack, I'm fine."

"SORRY!"

******

After many more cinematics, like the crashing of the Valor, destruction of Aegis seven and others after which some were left extra crispy, Kalish screamed:

"Okay, people, we are officially DONE! The game is pretty much finished and can be released. Of course, no one will even acknowledge our existence, so it doesn't really matter!"

Many screams of disapproval were heard.

"THIS SUCKS!!!" screamed Isaac.

"Oh, come on! We can at least have a party!"

And so they did have one.

Abrupt ending, isn't it?


	7. Sequel additions

Within the plains of infinite gray... you know what? I'm kind of tired of writing that sentence over and over. It does, however, let my lazy arse not describe scenery. Wait, you want that? Damnit.

On the meteor-scarred surface of the moon, protected by several sets of powerful defences, stood a tower. Massive, its walls of a golden hue, it towered above all else, showing off the infinite power of its owners... which wasn't that infinite at all, thanks to their rather young rival. The structure's centre, was a powerful supercomputer, which let various teams work on the continuations of their respective franchises, no matter how identical.

Within that machine was a world of infinite possibilities. Which was represented by a gray, featureless plain of nothingness. Seriously, what the heck? Well, almost featureless. Here and there, large apartment complexes rose from the ground, housing the casts of said games.

One such structure, was home to a quite disgusting populace of infested corpses, which were all asleep. The old-school ones dreamt of brains, the younger rebels of flesh in general. They were all quite hungry, though.

On a night stand within a certain room stood a small, five-legged creature, which had little other features, save for an extremely large, multi-parted mouth. The result of several months of genetic modifications and bred for a single, mundane purpose.

Its biological clock finally kicked in and it opened its jaws, releasing a mighty, ear-splitting shriek, which found its way to every room in the building. At seven o'clock, as always.

And, as always, an armoured fist with the cbio-alarm's reinforced bones and sent the small creature into a wall, leaving yet another sizeable dent in it, before falling to the ground, knocked out. The clock's creator and necromorph commander slowly sat up, a blue, fluffy hat on his mutated head. He yawned, making surrounding furniture shake, then took off the silly piece of headwear and headed outside the chamber. Taking the elevator from his penthouse suite, he reached the ground floor, where the dining room resided, in a matter of seconds.

Once there, he grabbed a golden cup from a shelf, which had '#1 Zombie-Boss' written on its side, and poured himself some coffee. He was soon joined by a silver cup with '#1 Protagonist'. Kalish spoke first, with that raspy voice of his:

"Mornin', Isaac."

"Mornin'." Replied the engineer, already in his suit. Always ready for work, that one.

More and more entities soon entered the room. Limb counts differed, but all 'morphs had something in common. They wanted some meat, badly.

"Hey, why'd you do that?" came a shout from the crowd.

"What? You can regrow and I'm hungry, perfect partnership!"

"It still hurts, damnit!"

After a half-hour, all were fed and, consequently, content. The only human among them looked at Kalish and asked:

"So, what's on our schedule today?"

"Let's see... notebook," a small floating head came closer, spit out said object, received a pat on the head (duh!) and then flew away. He started reading, "scriptwriting, check. Death animations, including 'Gang rape by the Pack'," the engineer shuddered, "so, that leaves us with finishing up a few cinematics and working on your personality and general character traits a bit more."

"Yeah, I hope I'll look more stupid than before, now that I can talk."

"Hey, they can't screw up as much as with Samus in Other M. Worst case scenario: grizzled space marine."

"True. So, when do we start?"

Kalish smiled, showing razor-sharp teeth.

"Right the hell now."

* * *

Here, you shall find the several different approaches the creative team took. Some were more awesome than others:

**Ze exterminator:**

He entered the massive freezer beneath the church of unitology and looked at the body-filled tubes. Two mutated bodies suddenly burst fro said tubes and screeched terribly, before charging right at him.

"Time to kick some ice," he swiftly took out his stake gun and fired at both in rapid succession, attaching them to the wall, "stick around!"

**The investigator:**

The scene of a terrible crime. People gathered around the corpse, pointing with their extra appendages and claws. The crowd suddenly parted, as Isaac arrived at the scene, a black suit on his armour. He was accompanied by another 'morph, who had a badass fedora hat on what was left of its head. The engineer spoke:

"What does the body say, Vort?"

"He was burned alive. Before anyone got a chance to pour some water on him. Witnesses also report seeing a human in the area."

"Suspect?"

"Possibly."

"Well, then," he put on a pair of completely unnecessary sunglasses, "let's see who has such a burning hatred of necromorphs."

A kickass heavy metal song then filled the surroundings, as the two checked for evidence. Such a heinous deed would not go unpunished.

**The whiner:**

Isaac ran through corridors, away from a small crowd of mutants chasing him. The situation was not good.

"Oh my God, I can't believe this! This is so frikin' imba! I shoot the head, but nothing happens, damnit! These guys need to get nerfed, I need an auto-heal system and," another group appeared in front of him, "damnit! Fuck this broken game!"

**Narrowlyavoidlawsuitman:**

He was the greatest of all heroes. Bitten by a radioactive centipede, blasted by zeta rays, then raised by a pack of rabid unitologists. Wielder of a massive golden crowbar, a fire-spitting hammer and a utility belt filled with every gadget known to man. Clad in armour, which gained tremendous power when away from his homeworld's sun. He also had a bit of a god-complex, surprisingly, and spoke of himself in the third person.

That was Isaac Bryce Bryce Pietro Parkour Bannhammer Wine Clarke. The universe's greatest (rip-off) hero.

And many, many more!

* * *

It took them a few days to wrap that part up, leaving them with only the cinematics to finish.

"Okay, idiots," Kalish floated on a small, hovering throne and was constantly giving orders, "this is the landing animation after Isaac gets through the debris, make sure your cameras stay on Isaac."

"Roger, sssir!" the slasher-only crew shouted back.

"Excellent! Action!"

One 'morph raised a massive green flag, which told Isaac to initiate those boosters of his. He went faster and faster, not bothering to slow down. When in range, he turned around, so that his feet were ready to impact the building's roof. However, the poor sod was simply too fast and he crashed straight through the surface and several more floors, before coming to a painful halt. Kalish stared down the hole for a few seconds, before shouting:

"That's a wrap, people! We'll just delete the crashing part in movie maker! And someone get me a fishing rod, I need to get him out of there."

A few more days of intense filming, editing, healing and sewing bodies together later, it was finished. Another glorious achievement within the franchise, that was undeniable. Kalish stood on one of the dining room's tables, wielding that cup of his. This time, it was filled with beer, because, why not?

"It is time, my friends! PUBLISH IT," one of the 'morphs smashed a huge, red button attached to the wall. The building's top opened up, revealing a ridiculously large satellite dish, which started transmitting information to the fleshy development team. It was done, "we've done it, boys!"

Isaac pinged his glass with the boss', overjoyed.

"This'll show those Madden assholes in the neighbouring structure how to innovate in a franchise!"

"Sure will! I can see the massive sales already!"

* * *

Unbeknownst to any of them, a small, robotic spider spied on them and sent information to another server, far, far away. On one of Saturn's moons, to be precise. A modern-day soldier, complete with vest, camo and assault rifle, commented on the video feed:

"Looks like EA has developers capable of innovating, unlike us. This could cause some problems."

The other one nodded, his head nearly three feet higher than the soldier's. He took a puff of a massive cigar, then replied:

"Hell, it's about time things got interestin'."


End file.
